The Great Secret

A few days ago I sat down to watch what I thought was a time-honored and personal favorite musical of mine–My Fair Lady. Turns out my memory regarding this movie had taken a 10 year hiatus because it certainly wasn’t the movie I remembered. I should have guessed my memory hadn’t been serving me well when I got up to leave once the movie had finished, only to find out that what I thought was the ending credit roll was only the intermission. All that aside, it was a decent experience. If you like musicals, that is. You may or may not recall the leading man, Professor Henry Higgins, as a brutish and egotistical character who experiences a “change of heart” (if you can call it that). Amidst the unpleasant strings of insults hurled at his pupil, he does make this fairly insightful comment: “You see, the great secret, Eliza, is not a question of good manners or bad manners, or any particular sort of manners, but having the same manners for all human souls.” *Ironically, this statement is quickly followed by yet another insult, so we’ll just pretend that this was a noble declaration meant to stand alone.*

Manners and etiquette. Old fashioned? Out of date? Reserved for the upper middle class and beyond? No one seems to notice or care, so why even bother? Perhaps you can argue that manners build a fabricated facade which wrongfully stifles the true feelings of an individual. Whatever the argument against manners may be, I boldly declare that it falls flat in comparison to any argument for the institution of manners. I promise that there is room enough in your vocabulary for “please” and “thank you,” and moreover that the world is in desperate need of as many “pleases” and “thank yous” as it can get.

I feel that a flawed conception surrounding the world of manners and etiquette is that their silly rules and guidelines only achieve an uppity, “holier than thou” attitude, as if they are devised to place someone above another. But let this be the most emphatic point I make on the subject: What it really boils down to is this simple equation . . .

Manners & Etiquette = Selfless Concern for Someone Else

It’s all about respect. Not gaining respect, but giving it. What all the “pleases” and “thank yous” are really trying to say is, “I appreciate the efforts you have made or are going to make on my behalf. I want to acknowledge your presence and give thanks for your kindness.” But that is obviously too much of a chore to say, so we came up with simpler words to express the same idea. Not only do we have words to communicate respect, but we also effectively exhibit our respect, certainly more strongly than words, by the way we act. Saying, “thank you for the interview” is nice, but taking the time to write a hand-written thank-you card to your soon-to-be employer will land you the job. Why? Well, imagine you are the interviewer. After 50 applicants and a week’s worth of long, hard work, you find a letter in your mailbox from someone thanking you for the interview she had. You put the name with the face and start to remember the 15 minutes you spent with her. You then think of the kind of person who would take the time to hand write and post a letter to you, thanking you for those 15 minutes. She must be organized, gracious, humble, and eager to work hard. You go back and review her resume. It looks even better the second time. After a little more consideration you decide that you know more about the character of this applicant than all the others, so you give her the job with the belief that you can trust her. Simple etiquette is never inappropriate or unappreciated.

A quick chat with any grandparent will help you realize that the change of manners and etiquette is astonishing. Merely 60 years ago a man would pick up a women for a date by approaching the porch wearing a suit and with flowers in hand. Now, according to a recent Glamour survey, 73% of women often can’t tell whether they’ve been on a date or not. I am no stranger to the changes of modern times, and so I am not suggesting in any way that we adopt the stiff necks and flowing petticoats of Victorian morals, but I am suggesting that we can improve the way we think of others. The more we climb in other peoples’ skin and walk around, as Atticus Finch suggests, the more we will be aware of how our actions affect others. We will want to act kindly, appropriately, and with dignity in order to show our respect for them.

Speaking of grandparents, my dear Grandma B. passed away but a few years ago, and as a result my mom happened to come into possession of the quaintest little book you ever did see: Manners to Grow On by Tina Lee. I mean, just look at it! Doesn’t it just ooze 1955?! Let me read to you some excerpts from the introduction, and hopefully you can see where this whole post is supposed to be headed.

“When people say that you have good manners, they generally mean that you always try to say and do things which show consideration for other people. It is important to know about good manners as you will need them every day. 

“. . . You will find that you are making more and more friends, and because everyone enjoys having you around, you will usually be included in all the fun that goes on at home and at school. Best of all, you will be happy and relaxed, knowing that you are not likely to make any serious mistakes. 

“. . . The first and foremost rule of good manners is kindness and consideration of others. This rule never changes. There are styles in behavior just as there are styles in clothes and automobiles. These styles are called custom, form, or etiquette, and they change from time to time. 

“. . . If from time to time you feel that you have made mistakes and that there are quite a few things you don’t know, it needn’t get you down. Everyone feels that way now and then. This is a good time to start improving your manners. With this book to help, you need never feel at a loss again.”

What a gem! In a world that is ever more egocentric and disconnected, it is easy to see how manners are slipping through the cracks of modern culture. Interestingly enough, though, this very issue proves advantageous for those willing to keep manners alive, because in a world that is ever more egocentric and disconnected, a man or woman of manners will shine even brighter. So remember to mind your Ps and Qs, dot your Is and cross your Ts. Think more about others, and you just might find that others will think more about you.